The End of a Chapter

“There are things we never want to let go of, people we never want to leave behind.  But keep in mind that letting go isn’t the end of the world, it’s the beginning of a new life!”

It was November 30, 2011, 22 days ago to be exact, when my divorce was finalized!  I was, and still am extremely happy.  There is a sense of finality and success as I made it through a very rough time in my life.  Those who were with me during the entire process will agree that it seemed to take FOREVER!!  I would get comments such as, “you’re STILL not divorced?”  But, all things happen at the right time, when they’re suppose to happen in your life.

Now that it’s complete, this chapter of my life is complete as well. I sit here today a new woman, completely free from the  title of “married” that loomed over me for so long: married, but single, separated, but still technically attached…yeah, try to explain that one to a man who asks if you’re single!  Aside from explaining myself to others, it’s the internal gratification and sense of freedom that has been heightened.  As someone said to me this morning, as of November 30, I let go of baggage.  There could not be a more true statement.  I was carrying baggage and although the baggage wasn’t holding me back, in some ways it was slowing me down.  It was unfinished business, a chapter I couldn’t finish writing.

So I sit here now, writing my last chapter.  The last chapter also includes the last entry of this blog because I no longer ask the question, “why did I get married?”  Through interactions with other men and woman going through divorce, through conversations with close friends, through deep self-reflection and through my writings, I know exactly why I got married.  I know I was young and naive. I know I had no idea the amount of work, sacrifice and true sharing from 2 people marriage required.  I was 23 years old.  I wasn’t able to be successful at a commitment that big because I didn’t understand it, I didn’t know ME and I didn’t know my ex husband the way one needs to know a person before being married.  I know I was simply “taking the next step” in a relationship and was enjoying the constant validation from family and friends.  I enjoyed the gifts, I had fun at my wedding and my rings were beautiful.  All of those “things” kept me there.

10 year later I am a new person.  I am truly living my life.  Through this I have learned who Krischa Esquivel truly is.  I have discovered my true passions and have learned not to compromise my authentic self in the process. I am now embarking on a journey I never imagined. I am writing for blogs on education,I am consulting in the field of early education, I am dancing, I am laughing, loving and enjoying the life I have created!  I have discovered that the core of me has been untouched.  The essence of who I am, one who helps others, shares experiences and is open to be vulnerable, has miraculously been protected and  for that I grateful.  Because of this, I have also been blessed to guide so many other people through their personal transitions in life: some divorces, schooling, writing of books, birthing of children, death of loved ones, financial concerns, family issues and parenting struggles.  THIS is where I find my joy, this is where my passions are rooted.  From these things I am more than excited for the next projects coming up in my life, and in the lives of powerful, strong woman around me.  There is more to come, there will be other chapters…but not here.

This journey has been amazing.  This journey has been heartbreaking.  I can truly appreciate being broken down, because from that I was rebuilt and am better than I ever imagined.  I appreciate all the ugly words said to me, because it allowed me to speak life into myself and know who I really am…no validation from others needed!  I appreciate the many struggles, because without them I never would have realized my true strength and spirit of tenacity.  I appreciate the new friends I have made along the way because they have held me up when all I wanted to do was fall down.  I appreciate my family who never judged me, never left me, but held me accountable for my actions and never allowed me or the kids to go without the NECESSITIES.  I appreciate my ex husband for the years of experiences we had together.  Without them I would not be here now.  I would not have been able to share so openly and empower so many others.

So I finish this chapter, end this final post saying thank you to everyone who read, everyone who shared their stories with me, everyone who passed my story to others.  Remember that in sharing your story, you empower yourself, you allow healing to take place, and you give strength to others. Yes, this is the final chapter…but my NEW life is only just beginning!

Words of Encouragement

“Keep on going, and the chances are that you will stumble on something, perhaps when you are least expecting it.  I never heard of anyone ever stumbling on something sitting down.” 

There are times in your life when things happen and it almost feels as if the wind has gotten knocked out of you.  You find yourself walking in a fog, existing in a fog and doing your best to hold on tight to the sense of sanity you have.  You are going through life, dodging the blows, bobbing and weaving the sucker punches that try to come your way.  Then one day, you stop, relax, and experience the pain and soreness your mind and body is experiencing. 

You are in constant movement.  You’re jumping over hurdles, you’re dodging bullets, sometimes narrowly escaping life altering situations.  This type of constant movement can be exhausting, but it keeps you in shape.  It keeps you focused, it keeps you alert and keeps you ready.  Ready for those moments when, like I said, you are going through life and BAM…those ton of bricks fall on you, your breath is taken from you and you’re in the fog.

Keep pushing.  Keep fighting, keep dodging and never stop moving forward.  Forward movement ensures you never stop your journey.  Forward movement means progress and forward movement means you are LIVING!

You may be feeling stuck. You may be feeling tired, sore, and out of breath. You may be walking in a fog or even yet, sitting in a fog.  That’s ok, that’s normal.  When the fog lifts, when your muscles recuperate and your full strength comes back, you will be stronger than ever before.

Don’t give up, don’t give in.  Your dreams are waiting for you!

I Will Never Forget

 

“Recognizing what we have done in the past is a recognition of ourselves. By conducting a dialogue with our past, we are searching how to go forward.”

 

One of the things I have struggled with in my blog is discussing my past, the beginning of my divorce journey.  I talk a lot about how I have overcome many obstacles: legal, spiritual, physical, and psychological.  I discuss my challenges with the kid’s father and how I have worked through financial struggles.   I have successfully worked through many situations and my outlook on life is positive, making room for only upward mobility.

 

But the PAST, those very specific, very painful memories that forced me to fight.  Those incidents that first brought me to my knees, had me begging for it all to end, then subsequently uncovered a strength and determination I never knew existed.  What do I do with those experiences?   Do I write about them to acknowledge them, or will that be seen as me living in the past?  Do I write about them so that other people who read my blog can see that no, I have not always been this strong?  

 

As I continue to make a decision on how to share that part of my life, I will share with my blog readers how I use my past to my keep me going.   When times get tough, when I incidents happen, as they often do, or as I start to get discouraged, I repeat 4 words to myself, “I will never forget.”  And this is what keeps me strong.  I will never forget what I have gone through.  I will never forget the triumphs I have made. I will never forget where I was and how I endured.  No, I do not LIVE in the past, but I refuse to forget my journey.  I refuse to forget the lowest times in my life. 

 

For me, not forgetting the past is very different from dwelling or living in the past.  Not forgetting the feeling of being broke keeps me disciplined with my budget.  Not forgetting the feeling of being sick and hospitalized for various aliments keeps me vigilant on keeping myself healthy.  Not forgetting the hole in my heart when my kids were not home allows me to cherish every moment with them. I hear about parents getting tired of their children.  But when you have the very real threat of them being taken away, EVERY moment, every laugh, every experience with them is cherished and appreciated to the fullest. 

 

Lastly, never forgetting my past means I never forget how strong a woman I am.  I will NEVER forget what I have fought for, what I have fought through and how I have done it successfully.  If I allow myself to forget these things and let go of them, I may in fact forget the power, tenacity and endurance I possess.  THAT would be unacceptable!

 

Word of advice:  Do not dwell on the sorrows of the past, because that is the past.  You lived through it, and regardless of your intended outcome, you made it through successfully because you are alive!  Never forgetting where you were  allows you to never take for granted the blessings of today.  I hear people say, “it could be worse.”  For me, I say, “it has been worse, and it will NEVER be that bad again.”    Happiness is a choice and can be overlooked when we fail to acknowledge our past accomplishments.

 

You HAVE to get pissed off!

“Anger simply shows that something in you is hurt, some wound is there.”

I worked for a long time to not be angry, to not become bitter, to be understanding of other people’s perspective and understand that we are all human and possess a great number of flaws, myself included.  When I first started going through my divorce I did this to a fault.  Anything my ex did I was able to use some kind of psychological babble to explain what HE was going through so as not to internalize it and take on the burden of his anger.  WHATEVER!!  I will never forget the time I was talking to my Aunt about something that  happened.  I said to her, ” I am not even upset about.  I’m just sad and disappointed.”  My Aunt’s response, “that’s a problem, Krischa!  Because until you get mad, I mean really pissed off about all he is doing to you, it’s going to keep happening.”  At the time I didn’t understand, I couldn’t understand and I wasn’t ready to face the reality of the person I was dealing with.  So instead, I remained “calm and understanding of his process.”

Now that I am working with a lot of other men and woman going through various life changes, I see this happen often.  It’s a way to protect ourselves from the reality of what is happening in our lives.  We do it with our finances by making excuses about WHY we need to spend money, an emergency came up so I HAD to use that credit card.  We make similar excuses when things happen to us or people do things to us.  We can explain anything away, justifty any action or reaction.  This takes accountabliity away from ALL people involved.

So now what?  First thing is you have to be ready to accept the emotions that will surface.  Be ready for the wound to be exposed (or for a previous wound to be reopened!) and be ready for the reaction from the other person.  I’m not suggesting you call them up and go off, you may not ever share your feelings and thoughts with that person. I know I haven’t but that’s a personal choice. What I am saying to do is acknowledge within YOURSELF that you were hurt, you were wronged and that it’s unacceptable.  You have to admit to yourself that regardless of the reasons behind the actions, regardless of your role or responsiblity, YOU are not going to accept this behavior.

Until you get TRULY fed up and look at the reality of your situation (finances, friendship, marriage, your job),  NOTHING will change.  Anger produces action and breaks the chains of complacency and excuses.  Be ready…once you get angry, change is inevitable, it’s uncomfortable, but in the end, it’s liberating!

Free From the Past

“With courage in your heart and with God by your side, you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin, as best as you can, to design the life you want to live.”

I haven’t posted in a while and believe me, it’s not because my life has been lacking in events to write about.  My days continue to be busy with making meals, carpools, dance rehearsals, homework and soon, I will be back in the workforce full time.  Along with the day to day of my new life, my divorce continues.  Negotiations between my ex and me were going okay for a little while.  I did my best to listen, to hear his side and just focus on the kids.  Well, that lasted all of a week.  Along with negotiations my ex informed me he will be moving 120 miles away and no longer supporting any of the activities I put the kids in UNLESS he agrees to it first…so be it.

So yes, my days and weeks continue to be eventful, so why has the writing subsided?  While talking to a friend, I realized I have not written because the events that are taking place in my divorce are no longer consuming my day to day life, or my mind and emotions.  The actions of my ex are just that, HIS actions.  Emotionally they do not affect me.  His decisions are irrelevant to my life.

The kids and I have begun a new journey in our lives together.  My son loves kindergarten, my daughter adores her dance class and all of her friends.  My son has play dates with his friends from school and they have developed a sense of security and routine that is calming not only to them, but for me as well.  My stress is low and it’s because the 2 things that mattered most to me now have their lives in order.

This is my new freedom!  Freedom from the mental strong holds.  Freedom from the underlying question of what will happen with the kids.  Freedom from the fears of what my ex might try.  The courts made their decision, and now my ex has made a decision for HIS life!  I have the mental and emotional freedom to enjoy my babies, to truly enjoy the time I have with special people in my life and it’s wonderful!

I have “lost” some people along the way.  Correction, some people have lost ME along the way, and that’s ok.  Our time together as friends was nice: baby showers, weddings, funerals, college and everything in between.  But I have learned to stand on my own, to coach myself through the toughest times, and in the process, to become the best Krischa I have ever been!

A person who is very special in my life once gave me some wonderful advice.   He said, “talk about your situation as you need to.  Write about it until it doesn’t affect you anymore.”  And there you have it…it no longer affects me.  Although my process is not “officially” complete, I know I have completed this test.  I know I have learned my lessons.  I know I have survived some of the darkest times in my life.  There were nights I prayed I wouldn’t wake up.  Days I wished would never come…but here I am! So I am able to listen to my ex remind of our anniversary with no emotional connection.  I am able to listen to him tell me how much he misses the family together without any thought.  Why?  Because I let go, I have moved on, I have fought my way through and now, I’m FREE!

Word of advice:  It does it easier.  The hard times do not last forever.  The tears WILL stop falling.  The questions WILL stop.  You WILL learn to trust yourself, LOVE yourself and LOVE the new gift of life you have been GIVEN!  How many people are given a second chance to make their lives exactly what THEY want it to be?  Not many…we are the lucky ones!

I Need to Finish so I Can Begin

“The successful person is not the quickest one to see through a thing, but the quickest one to see a thing through.”

The finality of this process is so close, my excitement is rising and there is a growing sense of relief and peace in my home as the kids and I have been reintroduced to life together.  It’s been a little bitter-sweet for everyone, but the children are doing very, very well.

Internally there is a sense of urgency to complete this process.  To close the doors on this journey and FINALLY move on!  The timeline has been bumped up a bit and hopefully things will be finalized by the end of the year.  Can you imagine?  Entering 2012 having successfully completed this journey?  There’s an inner excitement because I see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I have been through the ups and downs and am now able to have a sensible conversation with the kids father…well, most of the time!

There are loose ends that need to be clipped in various areas of my life.  What I am realizing is that I cannot end certain things, until THIS has ended.  I cannot start other things until THIS is complete.  So,  I have allowed myself to slow down.  To take my time in decisions, and to plan for the future I have ahead of me.  After years of  fighting, at least one aspect of my future is certain.  The certainty of what I know is what I will focus on.  Day to-day things  may change and that’s okay.  The sense of accomplishment I am feeling as I near the finish line is amazing.   I know, this is a divorce.  What’s so amazing about a divorce?  It’s not the act itself that is amazing.  It’s the manner in which I was able to clear each hurdle, get up the many times I fell down, and continue with a sense of tenacity I didn’t know I possessed.  That’s what makes this so amazing.

As I am nearing the end, there are others who are just beginning.  There are many things in store for me.  Many checkpoints I have yet to reach and still some open chapters within the book that need to be completed.  But just as you have to learn to crawl before you walk, I need to finish so I can begin!

My advice:  Slow down.  Yes, the sense of urgency to do everything, to complete all tasks, to hurry up and move on can be overwhelming at times.  In each step is a lesson to be learned and new things to discover about yourself.  Be sure to do that.  There is an amazingly strong person waiting to be discovered! Before you know it, you will be finished and you will be able to begin!

 

The Happiness of Today

At first I was feeling as if my overall happiness was on a roller coaster.  But that’s not the case.  I am in charge of my happiness, it’s my situations that change.  And even with that, I have the power to control how I react (or not) to situations.  When I thought about it even more I realized it’s all in my mind, my anticipation for what’s to come and my past experiences that can keep me from experiencing all the happiness I deserve.

I was talking to some friends about all of the wonderful things going on in my life.  As the conversation continued, I started moving into the “what ifs” and what about,” all the hypothetical situations that I have no control over, and no guarantee ANY of those things will happen.  One of my friends gave some wonderful words of wisdom, “just go with the flow.  If you’re happy now, that’s all that matters.”  WOW!!

Getting caught up in the future and attempting to over plan for tomorrow, and next week and next month, can keep you from being fully present.  The moment of happiness you are experiencing right NOW is what matters.  I know for me it does.  The overwhelming amounts of happiness, fulfillment and excitement for all the things I’m involved in are feelings I deserve to feel, they are feelings I enjoy and honestly, after ALL I have endured, I have EARNED these feelings!

When someone goes through a traumatic event, they can become shell-shocked, always on high alert and waiting for the next situation to happen.  That’s how I was for so long.  And why wouldn’t I be?  I was in the battle of my life with someone who was relentless!  I was attempting to live one step ahead, trying to next move of the enemy.  Now that the “war” is over, I have to remember how to live in the moment and relax.

Being fully present is a wonderful gift I have allowed myself and my children to have.  The authentic moments of laughter are irreplaceable!  Supporting others fully as they support me is a feeling unlike any I have experienced.  I was so busy this week , and I didn’t get much sleep.  But in return I laughed a lot and truly enjoyed the people around me. I was able to enjoy experiences…even if one experience was simply hanging out at home watching movies. I will take that trade-off any day!   I have decided that rather than waiting for it to end, rather than trying to prepare and protect myself for disappointment, I am going to live fully and enjoy every wonderful moment in my life that I fought for and deserve!  Change is inevitable, change can happen suddenly, but change does not have to be devastating and it should NOT be paralyzing.  You will live through it, you will make it…enjoy it all!

My advice:  Learn from the past, but don’t hold on to the experiences, hurt and disappointment.  Open yourself and allow yourself to live a new reality, experience a new level of happiness.  By doing this, you can live in the present, truly experiencing the happiness of TODAY!

Know YOURSELF, Love YOURSELF

August, 2011

May, 2009

“How things are on the outside of us depends on how things are on the inside of us.”

As I pass the 18 month mark on my attempt at divorcing, I continue to wonder, why did I get married?  With all that I have learned about myself, about everything that goes into a marriage and about the constant uncertainty about truly knowing the person you married, I have learned that the biggest contributing factor in my decision to be married was greatly influenced to me not knowing myself and not loving myself…truly and unequivocally loving myself.  10 years after the wedding I can admit that because I know it to be a fact.  And sadly, for many young woman who get married it’s their reality as well (although many do not realize it).

Truly knowing yourself takes time.  You have to be alone with yourself, sometimes even isolate yourself from outside influences (family, friends, society).  When you are young, there is NO way you can know yourself, your passions, what you like, what you don’t like, and many times what you even want to do with your life.  And that’s ok.  This is an unrealistic expectation we place on ourselves.   Yet, somewhere down the line society has “taught” us that regardless of our inability to articulate our passions, regardless of our inability to articulate what we want for the future, nobody ever questions us when we know/realize who we want to spend the rest of our lives with.  Something’s very wrong with that (hence the 50% divorce rate).  Why are we in such a hurry to be married?  Oh I know, because we want to feel as if somebody loves us unconditionally, regardless of our faults, regardless of flaws (real or perceived) and we want the security this special person brings.  Understandable, but this is not reality.

The reality is that as woman we need to learn how to love ourselves unconditionally!  We need to know, acknowledge and work toward changing those traits that hold us back in any way.  We need to move past the point of someone telling us we even have flaws!  What gives a person the right to point out your flaws based on their preferences?  And why as young woman are we so receptive to other people’s opinions about us?  This is why we need to love ourselves and this is what I was lacking when I was married in my early 20’s.  The journey of loving yourself, of being able to look in the mirror and admit there is nothing you would want to change takes time, it takes maturity and it takes deep self-reflection.  I can honestly say I am there, I LOVE ME!  When I get up in the morning I don’t cringe at my reflection.  When I get out of the shower I don’t stand in the mirror wishing my body were different.  On the contrary, I am proud of who I am, what I look like and all I have endured to get to this place.  It was not an easy place to get to.  I grew up with my father constantly telling me I would be beautiful if I wasn’t half black.  I grew up with a father who didn’t know how to do my hair, so when I went to his house he would get frustrated and just cut it.  Then I would go home to a mother who also didn’t know how to do my (new) short hair so she put a relaxer on it.  I grew up hearing, “your hair is so thick…I can’t do anything with it.”  I now LOVE my thick hair and realize it’s in no way a flaw…other woman WISH they had hair as thick as mine.

Is my body perfect?  Yes…it’s perfect for me, it’s perfect for who I am and most importantly I am healthy.  I may get on the scale every now and then out of curiosity, but really, I don’t care.  My clothes will let me know when it’s time to hit the gym more.  Am I self-conscious because my post baby body is different from my 20 something body?  NOPE…those who knew me pregnant know I EARNED the body I have now!!  Every part of me: my hair, my skin, my hips, my lips, they all tell a story, they all have a history.  It’s MY history, it’s my story and now, for the first time in my life, I love EVERYTHING about who I am!

And that was the missing link in my marriage and in my decision to get married.  I wasn’t thinking about me, I wasn’t loving me.  I was using the compliments and preferences of a man and the status of a diamond ring with the title of a wife to boost my self-esteem.  Deep down I was still very insecure which is why I lived the facade for so long.  I was still thriving from the title of  the light skin girl with long hair…pretending like I didn’t care but really, that WAS my identity. This is what many young woman are doing and not realizing it until they mature in the marriage.

Today I am a different person inside and out.  Some people who have known me for years may not recognize the outward appearance because yes, it has changed.  Some people who have known me for years may be uncomfortable with who I am psychologically, and that’s ok.  I live in a new reality.  I have a new love of me, a new love and appreciation of life and all it brings.  I have learned a lot about the person I spend the most time with, about the person I go to sleep with every night and wake up to every morning: MYSELF.  I know that when I do decide to pursue another relationship, I will not be the same person I was when married and that is a wonderful thing! I have transformed from a person dependent on the thoughts of others, to a woman who knows herself and loves herself: with or without a “special person.”

Word of Advice:  Take some time each day to reflect on the things you LOVE about yourself.   Do not be afraid to admit the “truths” you have allowed yourself to believe based on other people’s opinions,  including society.  Until you face the reality of who you really are, how you really feel about yourself and what YOU need to work on, a relationship with another person will not work.  Know yourself, love yourself, and get rid of people who do not feel the same.  Your mental health and happiness depend on it.

Renewal, Rejuvenation and Relationships

“Nature often holds up a mirror so we can see more clearly the ongoing processes of growth, renewal, and transformation in our lives.”

A mirror has been held up for me this week through the process of allowing myself to be rejuvenated and renewed through my relationships.  Sometimes we go into a space that doesn’t feel so good.  A space where we feel like we may be regressing.  We may start to doubt our growth, start to doubt our progress and question where we are going.  I call these growing pains.

Growing, changing and transforming can be tiring and painful.  The rejuvenating and renewal process through the relationships we hold near and dear is an amazing way to recognize and remember all the growth you have accomplished.  We have various types of relationships.  Each one serves a different purpose.  Each relationship contributes to our growth and supports in a different way.  I have friends who are married and rejuvenate me in ways that are very different from my relationships with people who are in a similar situation as me.  Is either one more important?  Not at all.  One relationship allows me to laugh openly and remember the past and give hope for the future.  Another completely understands where I am emotionally at that moment…but they will also understand the place I am emotionally within the next few moments, because they are right there with me.

Yes, relationships are a reflection of who we are, where we are going and remind us of those things we hold so dear.  The quote tells us how nature holds up a mirror, I also believe that it’s our most important relationships that hold up a mirror as well.  It’s these authentic relationships that have allowed me to be who I am and continue to allow me to transform…mistakes and all.  My friends have no problems being completely honest with me: the good and the bad, but it’s  all said out of love and encouragement.

Word of advice:  Those times when you feel you are down and feel you have lost your way, don’t be afraid to reach out for those relationships you hold dearly.  Learn to recognize what you need in that moment and do not be afraid to reach out and ask.  The conversations held late at night, in a coffee shop or on a park bench may be just what you need to keep your momentum going!  Your journey is continuous.  Utilize all of your resources!  You’ll be glad you did!

Letting Go and Moving On: Yes, It Is Possible!

“Some of us think holding on makes us strong, but sometimes it is letting go.”

I write about a number of different things regarding my personal experience with divorce, separation, being a single mom, my journey to find myself and reclaim my passions and how to make it all work.  In doing this, I have realized the world of divorce is still as taboo as it has always been.  As I receive emails, text messages and FB messages, the statement I hear the most it, “thank you , now I know I am not alone.”  Or they thank me because when they were going through it, they felt so alone.  This post is going to answer the number 1 question I receive from many, many people (men and woman), : How did you get over your ex and move on?

This is a tricky question and I truly believe that a lot of the moving on and letting go process has to do with accepting the new life that has been either chosen by you or given to you.  I use the term chosen, because responsibility and ownership has to be taken for the decision made.  And I use the term given because sometimes we are put in a situation we may not want to be in.  However,  we must still embrace it, look at the positive in the situation and realize you were actually given a gift.   Yes, I make an effort to 1. find the positive in every situation and 2.  NEVER be a victim.  I take responsibility for my past, for my present and my future.  When you set your mind to doing these things, the actions of your ex will affect you differently.

I am also a very logical thinker.  I listen closely to the words people say and pay close attention to their actions.  If you tell me you do not want to be with me, then that’s fine.  I may not like it, I may want something different, but I cannot change a person’s mind or emotions and I REFUSE to fight a battle that is destined to be lost.  Sometimes as women we allow emotions to take over.  We want to hold on to feelings, hold on to memories of the past as if those things of the past can FIX the future…they cannot.

In looking at a person’s actions, I take a step back and see who I am really dealing with.  As I stated on the internet talk radio show, www.sundaymorninglive.net, the person you married is NEVER the person you are divorcing.  Once you get to the divorce stage you are dealing with someone who is angry, hurt, whose ego may be crushed, a confused person.  This is not the man who put a 2 carat diamond ring on your finger and brought you breakfast in bed.  That is the man of the past and again, the way to success is to live in the present.

Now the nitty-gritty emotional stuff:  Cry often, cry when you need to.  Cry over the past, cry over the failed hopes and dreams and plans you and your ex had as a couple.  Cry because the person you are dealing with is a skeleton of who you once knew and loved.  Cry because all you knew, all you trusted and all that made you feel safe and secure is gone.  It’s not easy.  What I write about in my blog began AFTER my extremely dark period (which I will eventually write about).  But yes, grieve, grieve, grieve!!  Just don’t get stuck in grief.  Don’t get stuck in sorrow and pity and shame.  The goal is to cry for what you once had, what you probably worked so hard to create, maintain and perfect.  But now a new goal must be established.  A new reality must be realized.  And to do this, you must find strength in the person you KNOW you are.  You must surround yourself with people who know all you can do is succeed.  No, it won’t always be easy.  Yes, even after you are over your ex and you can speak to him without crying, screaming, cussing him out and hating him, there will still be sadness.  There will still be days you question the path you CHOSE or the gift you were GIVEN, and that’s ok.  Think about it, shed a tear, and use those emotions as the catalyst to your next goal.

Word of Advice:  The process of letting go and moving on is continuous.  You will have peaks where you feel great and you will hit some valleys when the tears fall uncontrollably.  That’s ok.  The important thing is to move THROUGH each of these emotions and stages and never get stuck.  Remember, you are the only one who controls your destiny, your future and your reactions to things.  Don’t give power and control to someone who is no longer significant in your present or future.